After 20+ years as a bibliophile with a weight problem, I must say I am fairly well read on the topic of health, nutrition, and weight loss.
During that time span, I’ve read and watched many weight loss success stories. Of those that are successful in the long term, there seems to be a recurring component–where the person attacks not only the physical habits, but dives deep into the mental and emotional causes for their obesity.
While I’ve dabbled in this before, there’s always been a sticking point. A lot of those people go in knowing what their big issue is. Usually it is some type of sexual abuse. Other times great personal loss or perhaps severe trauma. Sometimes it’s a long term relationship with a parent or other family member that edges on emotional/mental abuse.
But for me, I can’t just pick something out and say, “yep, that’s it.” It makes it hard to commit to fixing my head when I can’t see the problem head on.
Before, I used to tell myself that wasn’t what my problem was. That it was just a lifestyle and motivation problem.
However, lately I have been thinking about it more and more. There must be a reason for the way that I am. My subconscious is way too good at perpetuating this self-inflicted pain as some sort of a defensive mechanism.
What am I protecting myself from? I have a few small ideas of things in my life that may have contributed. I need to look more into those things, write about them, feel whatever emotions come up. As I do, I truly think it will work to force myself to be more mindful about what I am doing to myself and why, so that I can course correct and move forward on the path of healing that I have been searching for.
I want to write about it here, because when I write in the public forum it feels more real. I hide myself enough already and putting myself out there–good and bad–is a big factor of the practice of me bringing to light the me that I love.
So, that’s the plan. It might seem stuck on this topic for a while here, but I’ll try to switch it up a bit.
Here’s to the first step towards a future where I take care of myself in healthy ways rather than numbing and masking.