Well-Rounded Ryan – Page 7 – Just me, trying to figure things out. Enjoying life, being love, processing trauma, getting healthy, finding my voice, and being an ever-evolving best version of myself.

The importance of owning your own story

whatsyourstory

I’ve always had it on my list to get some of the stories from my life into written form, but as of yet have only done a minimal amount.

It’s not that my life has been particularly interesting (although there have been some times in my life that are a bit more entertaining), but rather for these 4 reasons:

1) To document the past.

For myself. For my daughter. For the my potential future grandkids.

I wish I had things I could read to give me insight into my own parents and grandparents’ lives before I knew them.

I’d like to give that gift to my future family.

2) To fully own my story.

I think part of being happy, honest, and successful is owning who you are and where you came from–the good, the bad…all of it.

Everyone has past failures and successes and a unique history that helped to shape the person they are in the present. But a lot of times we only see today. Or, in an effort to improve our perceived image, we disavow our own past and secrets because we worry that others won’t accept the full picture.

I know that I am guilty of doing it sometimes. It’s been an internal struggle to be more public with things about me that aren’t necessarily accepted in the mainstream. I’ve also got my share of things in my past that while I personally am not ashamed of them, I am aware that they are judge-worthy to some.

3) To learn from these experiences.

It’s usually the worst things that have happened to us (or the worst choices we have made) that present the largest opportunity for growth.

I’d like to share some of the lessons from y own life, both to reflect on them personally and so that others might benefit from them.

4) To help erase shame and stigma.

We all have “skeletons in the closet.” It sometimes feels like we are the only one dealing with certain issues, but in reality there are so many others who have gone through the same things or are going through it now.

When more people open up and share their experiences, we can dispel some of the shame that comes from things we are alone.

So that’s what the “Chronicles” section here on the blog is all about. I’m a little nervous about writing in such a public format, but that is also part of what I’m working on in terms of being more “out there” and sharing more of me.

life-story

Week One Recap – Retraining My Brain

weekoneweighin It’s been one week since I committed to a long term lifestyle overhaul to get my body back, and it’s been good.

This morning I had my first official weekly weigh-in and lost 7.2 pounds. Not bad at all.

Here’s what I’ve been doing:

Logging all food intake in the Lose-It app
Keeping calorie intake as close as possible to the daily calorie allotment that the app suggests–2201 per day (more on this later)
Wearing my Jawbone Up Move fitness tracker and keep track of steps/movement
Making a conscious effort to drink more water

That it for this week. It’s all about baby steps and consistency this time around.

The Lose It! app is the best calories tracking program I've used. — The Lose It! app is the best calories tracking program I’ve used.

When I saw that Lose-It wanted me to eat 2201 calories a day, it was a big mental hurdle to get around. That is much higher than I normally would have started with on a diet plan. But, as I outlined in my earlier post, the point is to do this at a steady, slow pace by making gradual change instead of dramatically changing everything and risking my body fighting it and myself quitting in frustration.

So I trusted it. In the end, I was just 127 calories short for the whole week. And I lost some weight! 🙂

I did go over on Friday evening. It was my birthday and the hubby and I went out for tapas and we totally indulged. But, didn’t freak out–I just cut back a little the next couple of days to balance it all out. I am relieved to see that it all worked out.

The big test will be to see if the losses keep up over the next 6 weeks or so. In the past, after weeks 1-3, my weight loss tends to stall. I am hoping that the problem in the past was that I was cutting to severely that my body was slowing down my metabolism in response. Eating a higher calorie amount to start and lowering that figure as my weight goes down should help prevent that from happening. It’s uncharted territory for me–the idea that eating more can actually help me have success.

I am feeling optimistic!

Never Stop Never Stopping (Happy Birthday to Me)

Yeah, yeah, I totally stole that from the Lonely Island movie. That’s sitting in a Netflix envelope on my family room entertainment center waiting for me to watch it this weekend, and when I thought about a title to convey not quitting, that’s all I could think of.

hbd1 — Getting the best present ever this year.

Today is my 37th birthday, and I have a great gift to give myself this year.

As I wrote about earlier in the week, I have officially committed to overhauling my lifestyle to get healthy once and for all. In that spirit of that, my present to myself is to do what it takes to be in the best shape of my life by 40.

Yes, you heard me right–40. That’s 3 full years.

In the past, there are two big traps that I have fallen into when attempting to lose weight.

1) Being entirely too restrictive with food and over-ambitious with exercise right from the start. As a result, after a couple of weeks I would binge or get be too sore to workout and just totally give up because I wasn’t being just perfect.

2) Sticking to a diet really well for a couple of months but the scale not moving much at all, causing me to get frustrated and quit yelling that “it’s not worth it.”

Logical? No. But that’s the pattern.

The worst part is that every time I do well and lose 10, 20, 30 pounds and then quit, I end up putting on even more weight even if I don’t eat more. It’s a viscous cycle and I have been stuck in it for my whole adult life.

This graphic I found from http://melaniesobocinskifitness.whoknowsaguyfitness.com/ pretty much sums it up.

This time I am breaking free by stick with these principles:

1) Making slow, controlled changes in my diet. For now, it’s just counting calories and sticking within the budget given on my LoseIt app. It says at that rate I can reach my goal rate by October 2018–two years away, losing 1-2 pounds a week.

Yes, 2-3 years is a long time, but I am making myself be OK with that. Previously, I would pick some upcoming event and think- “heck yeah- I can lose 50 pounds by then!” Well, it didn’t work and I always ended off worse than I started.

I will be more than happy with a pound or two a week. I even have a whole extra year of buffer time.

2. Slowly increasing my activity level from Current Status: Couch Potato to Goal Status: Weekend Warrior.

I am carrying around a lot of weight, and have been for a while. It hasn’t been easy on my body. I have several areas that act up (like a torn meniscus in my right knee). I want to get stronger without making those injuries worse, so I am going to do the slow and steady approach. First by just walking more and doing some basic body weight exercises, then building up to more intense cardio and heavy duty strength building.

I don’t really have the ambition to be an athlete. I just want to be strong and fit enough to do some outdoor adventures or maybe run a 5K with friends a few times a year. download-2

3. Never losing momentum. This is the biggest for me. Even if the scale stays stuck for weeks or I go to a party and eat something terrible–just stay the course and jump right back in. I will get to my goal if I just keep it up. Never stop never stopping 🙂

I’m excited and buzzing with energy and motivation to succeed. Documenting it here adds an extra level of accountability and encouragement. I am ready.

The 2016 to 2019 birthday comparison shots are going to be amazing!

Winter Apparition

Ugly, but Organized: Lessons learned from creating a functional “Non-BuJo Bullet Journal”

Ahh, The Bullet Journal. AKA The BuJo. (Never heard of it? go here.)

I’m new to the game, and I have both loved and loathed it while trying to make it work for me over these first months.

The theory is nice:

The Bullet Journal is a customizable and forgiving organization system.

It can be your to-do list, sketchbook, notebook, and diary, but most likely, it will be all of the above.

It will teach you to do more with less.

pinterestbujo — Pinterest search for “Bullet Journal Ideas”

And then you sit down to get started. It’s a pretty open-ended concept, so it can be a little tricky figuring out where to begin. Looking for details on how to get started, you check out Pinterest. Yikes.

It seems like there’s a lot more to it than you thought, so perhaps you join a BuJo group on Facebook, like Bullet Journal Junkies, to get some community support and more ideas.

“Wow, these monthly layouts and tracking pages are REALLY beautiful and complex. I don’t know if I can make one that looks like that.”

That’s what I was thinking as I was planning to create my journal. I’m sure I’m not the only one. We can’t all be accomplished artists!

I really wanted the BuJo concept to work for me, but between not feeling artsy enough and some aspects not working smoothly for me I started to feel like it was a failed project.

Then, I took a step back and decided to make it work for just ME. In the end, what I have isn’t quite a “Bullet Journal,” but rather a hybrid of different organizer styles and ideas.

Here’s what I learned along the way:

1.Pretty is nice, but it’s not the most important part.

The ultimate goal of a Bullet Journal is to get organized, stay on track, and have an outlet to capture thoughts, ideas, memories, etc. Make that your #1 priority at all times with the BuJo. Get in the habit of writing things down as soon as you think of them.

For example, if you get a film recommendation from a friend and want to remember, don’t delay starting a “Movies to Watch” list because you don’t have time to draw a movie reel and a box of popcorn and find the perfect Hollywoodesque border. Just start the list. You can always go back to it later and spruce things up when you have free time and are feeling creative.

I have about 30 hideous lists in progress right now–and that’s totally fine. What matters is that my ideas are in order and my life is better structured.

2. There are no rules.

What works for one person isn’t necessarily going to work for everyone. Start with the basic format of a monthly, weekly, daily layout plus personal trackers and just go with it.

For me, there were two big pieces that I had to allow myself to let go of:

Example of a flexible daily spread in Day-Timer organizer.

#1 – Starting with pre-printed organizer pages is just fine. I already owned a lovely Day-Timer desk-size organizer with monthly spreads and daily pages. I began to look at hand-drawn layouts and it felt like a lot of work to have to do that for every week/month just to start. When I gave in and decided it was perfectly acceptable to use my existing planner, things got much easier. I never used the sections of the daily pages as they were written anyway, so I just viewed the printed layout as a frame and did my own thing. It’s flexible, easy, and saves me hours.

#2 – It’s OK to have more than one journal/organizer. As I mentioned above, I have a lot of lists. Everything from house cleaning lists to travel ideas to new hobbies to try and more are in there. What I quickly came to realize was that I really didn’t need to have everything with me at all times. I DID need my daily planning pages though. So I split! I have my Day-Timer for calendar planning, to-do’s, daily inspirations, current project reminders, etc. Then I have a binder with all my other lists and planners. If I think of a list item during the day, I jot it down in my Day-Timer (or text it to myself if I don’t have it near me). Then when I reboot my daily pages I get everything into the right places. My need to purge ideas immediately is solved, and I have a lovely binder where I can keep all my bigger picture stuff. It’s great to be able to use different styles of paper, folders, and more in there rather than just a dotted notebook, too.

3. It doesn’t have to be expensive.

bujostuff — I promise, you don’t really “NEED” all this to get organized.

Leuchtturm 1917 Notebook, Staedtler pens, calligraphy markers, washi tape, stickers, post-its….the supply list for getting started with a bullet journal can have you dropping a lot of dough at the craft store.

Don’t feel pressured to give in. You can be just as organized with a $1 composition book and a regular old pen.

Now, that doesn’t mean that you can’t buy that super cute holiday washi tape you see at the store. Indulge if you want to, but don’t feel it’s a necessity.

4. Trial, error, correct.

There are a lot of great ideas out there. Some immediately “Wow!” you, but in practice they don’t turn out so hot.

20161116_124117 — See? It’s not pretty, but it does the trick!

This has happened me a lot as I figure things out. I loved the idea of checking off my AM/PM routines every day, but in practice writing it out got tedious. And if I did it just weekly, it wasn’t “in my face” enough to get me to follow though. My solution? A laminated piece of card stock with daily/weekly repeating tasks that I can check off with an Expo marker, wipe off, and reuse. This card just travels with me in the daily pages section of my organizer.

Along the same line, there’s a very good chance that your first draft isn’t going to be the final draft. In all reality, there probably is never going to be a final, perfect version since life is not static! Don’t let it bother you to have a messy handwritten addition to an existing tracker. It’s much better to just edit it for a couple of weeks to get it closer to complete, THEN print/draw a new version.

What I have now might not technically fit the BuJo definition, but The Bullet Journal concept inspired me to start getting organized. In that regard, it was a total success.

My biggest lesson: When we let go of our perfectionist tendencies and allow life to go with the flow, everything works better.

Remember, life is dynamic, not static, and individualism is a good thing 🙂

Goodbye, mental blocks–Ryan is now open for change.

images I’ve had the “Rebuilding My Body” header on the blog home for a couple of weeks now, but haven’t written anything yet. Been totally procrastinating on that one.

Why? Because I have a major mental block about sharing part of it openly. It’s not so much about being vulnerable and talking about the process, but more about being brutally honest about where I am at right now. I’ve always had this issue with saying a starting number. I’ll talk about diet, exercise, weekly pounds lost, habits–anything. But I just HATE writing down that number.

Logically, it makes no sense. You can see me and probably make a pretty good guess at what weight I am at. It’s not like I can hide it. I talk openly about weight struggles and weight loss with people I know. I recently got married and paraded around in a dress and posted 100’s of pictures that very obviously show my size.

Would anyone who loves me think any less of me based on a number? I don’t think so.

Yet, I keep playing these games in my head about how to get around it. Like, what if I only write the # of pounds lost every week and keep a grand total of progress only? Or, perhaps I can just talk about changes without a specific weight being given.

While my head goes back and forth, making excuses and bargains, I’m only cheating myself. The longer I try avoid it, the more I am putting off actually making progress. I want to do this right and I want to own it. So here we go…

First thing this morning I weighed 336.8 pounds. There it is. And that is the last time I’ll ever see that figure on the scale. Moving forward, it will be a daily focus to keep that number moving in the right direction.

I am not going to do a long post about the food I’ll eat and the exercise I’ll do, because the main point of this is just to put my starting number out there. So, I’ll just leave it with this three steps and fill in the blanks over the coming months as things get put into place:

Weigh in every Tuesday morning (since today is Tuesday and Day #1) and post the results here on the blog.
Write at least one “rebuilding my body” post on the blog each week
Week One Simple Plan: Eat light, track food, guzzle water, start moving.

And with that, let the life-changing begin <3

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Update…still processing. 3 Days Post-President-Elect Trump

3507063_197838a5b5ea8eeca4a5072efb527e94 It’s been a tough few days, and I, along with the rest of the world, have been processing after getting blind-sided on Tuesday. Got to take this in small chunks because it’s a way bigger than any one problem or solution.

Here’s what I know as of now:

1. Let it be on record that I disavow any and all violent or destructive behavior. That goes against every ideal I voted in support of on Tuesday.

2. Peaceful protesting is a good thing. But let’s protest specific issues, with a plan and a purpose in mind. It is possible to be angry AND smart AND respectful.

3. We need to stop virally sharing the atrocious displays that the worst of our society have done in the past couple of days. I know, I am guilty of this, too–but not anymore. No more racist graffiti, videos of attacks, etc. This just results in everyone judging anyone who doesn’t have the same ideas as being that worst kind of person. I am not the people beating a Trump voter in the street and my loved Republican family members are not marching with the KKK on the bridge.

4. A last minute electoral switcheroo or contesting the vote would only make things worse. If the situation were reversed, we would be outraged if that were attempted. If the old system is going to be revamped, it needs to be done when we are in between elections. To do otherwise would seriously undermine our democracy.

5. That being said, yes Trump won. And that’s scary. Everything he has shown so far is that he is an awful person who brings out the worst in people. But he couldn’t have won without the support of the people. The problem is far larger than just Trump. How we react as a society at this pivotal moment will determine if things get infinitely worse, or if this is just a case of two steps forward, one step back.

6. So what do we do from here? We keep moving forward. We stay strong and stay kind.

If you see someone being hurt or oppressed, go to them and support them rather than staying silent.

Ignore and block the trolls. If you see a vicious message, remove it if you can and replace it with your own random acts of kindness, doublefold.

If action is taken to roll back the legal and civil rights that have been achieved or to implement new legislation that is dangerous, immoral, and/or unconstitutional, we band together to protect our country our people and our planet. Peace does not equal weakness.

Volunteer. Get involved in your community. Run for public office. Find an outlet for your outrage –anything that will positively impact our society rather than drag it down.

The good news? History is on our side. In the end, every major civil rights fight has been won, and the opposition goes down in the books as the”wrong side of history.” Change might not be as fast as we like it, but slow change is better than no change at all.

We as a society have become more and more progressive with each generation, and that isn’t going to change. Maybe we just need to grab the hands of those looking backwards, frozen with fear, and show them that it’s really not all the scary.

A world with more love and less hate is something we ALL want (with a few rare exceptions). It’s just a matter of leading by example and shifting perspectives.

We can do this, together, all of us.

The Garden Gates Open

Quotes from my 12-year old after the 2016 election results

“I didn’t even want to sing the pledge today because I was so ashamed of this country.”

“I woke up today and it feels like a bad dream. The last time we had an election, it was like ‘ok, we have a new president.’ That’s the way things are supposed to go. This time it just all feels so wrong.”

“I thought I loved everyone, but I just don’t know if I can love people who think that way. I’m trying to.”

My heart was breaking as I heard these words from my daughter yesterday.

In the year+ leading up the election, she asked me about Donald Trump a lot. While we did talk about the election and she knew I was a Hillary supporter, I didn’t go into all the specific horrible things Trump had said on the record. She did however see things online or hear them at school. After all, our kids do live in an information age. Sadly, I found out that she even knows the famous “grab ’em by the pussy” line, his judgement and name-calling of women based on their appearance, the Muslim ban, and more.

Before the election, I told her that I truly believed there was more love than hate in the world.

I told her we would be OK because there were enough good, accepting people to vote against racism, misogyny, and discrimination.

I was wrong.

Many people are upset, hurt, and angry over the election results. As adults, we have seen our share of ups and downs in the country. However, it’s a different story for the kids in America who can only remember a constantly progressing world where new celebrations of acceptance have been the norm. She’s seen marriage equality become law. Thanks to new movements bullying is finally starting to be treated more seriously and more than just “kids being kids.” She embraces LGBTQ acceptance. We have talked about the separation between entire religions and the fringe groups that cause terror in this world.

Although I haven’t gotten into it on this blog yet, our family has been intimately affected by sexual abuse as well. My daughter has been assured that it is never OK, that it’s not the victim’s fault, and that we work hard to see that justice is served for those actions.

And now the country just voted in a person who embodies the opposite of all that.

As a result, she’s getting shoved into a world that goes against everything I’ve ever taught her.

That’s a challenge to explain.

When I first posted those quotes on my personal social media, there was a bit of a backlash implying that I was teaching my daughter to be disrespectful of other people’s beliefs. So let me clarify…

She and I talk about love a lot. Not love in a one-on-one relationship with someone you know personally, but love for our fellow men/women. I always tell her–and mean it–that I love EVERYONE. No matter who it is on the street, in the car next to me, on another continent, or someone who is different from me ideologically in every way. I still care about that person as an individual and would help them if I had the opportunity. She had adopted this same philosophy over the years.

So when she says she’s having a hard time loving everyone, she doesn’t mean the individual friends and family members who voted against peace and love. She means the country..the world. Those who want to take away liberties from other citizens of this planet. Those who hate based on race, religion, or gender, or sexual orientation. She’s struggling with finding love for the part of our society that is in the dark and trying to pull our country backwards.

I was thankful that she brought up what she was thinking and worrying about yesterday, for each statement that she made led to a much longer conversation focused on love and hope.

I told her that we just have to come to accept it and hope that he does a better job than we think. I told her that this is how our democracy works–we don’t always win. It’s understandable to be sad today, but we can remain optimistic and we will get to vote again in 4 years and hope for a better outcome. I also showed her the numbers of the younger demographic–and how it fills me with hope knowing that the younger generation that will be stepping up the plate soon is a much more accepting version of America.

I hope I am right, and I hope she doesn’t lose her faith in the good in the world.

An introduction to my BPAL Obsession

Anyone who knows me well knows that my perfume is something I take very seriously. I am totally enchanted with the products of the indie perfume oil company, Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab or BPAL (pronounced bee-pal). Since I foresee wanting to chat about my scent obsession here from time-to-time, I thought brief intro how and why it all started and why it’s so important to me was in order.

Scent has a way of transporting us somewhere else and either altering or enhancing our moods. I, personally, also tend to have a lot of “scent memories,” where random scents remind me of something I’ve done in my life. Perhaps for this reason, I’ve always been drawn to items that come in a wide variety of scents– candles, wax tarts, soaps, perfumes, etc.

Then, a couple years ago a friend introduced me to Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab. At first I just browsed the site for a while because it was a little overwhelming and I didn’t know where to start. Eventually, I started to accumulate a good variety of imps (testers) from the general collection. They were like nothing I’d ever experienced before. To just call it “perfume” is misleading. These aren’t just pretty scents–they are olfactory experiences that portray their subject to perfection.

Over several months of testing, I learned what notes I enjoy most and what works well on my skin. The more I experimented, the better my nose got at deciphering what I was smelling, too. What before was “floral” is now “spicy carnations” or “wet rose” – this extra level of complexity made things even more enjoyable.

Selecting a scent has now become a daily ritual. Upon awaking, time is spent selecting just the right bottle for my state of mind or the happenings of the coming day. I do it again at night with a new softer scent to enjoy as I prepare for sleep.

It may sound over-the-top, but the world of BPAL has opened up a whole new facet of sensory input in my life. It can be hard to explain to someone who doesn’t “get it,’ but these scents have truly become an integral part of me.

My collection has grown quite large since my first imps. I’m amazed at how every new scent released is completely unique and spot-on in capturing a character, a setting, a thought. Even the scents that aren’t really “me” are still winners. While one might not be something I’d like to wear all the time, it’s still awesome to let it develop on your skin, take it all in, and let the experience take over.

You can also get other items beyond perfume- like hair gloss (my favorite), atmosphere and linen sprays, bath oils, etc at the Black Phoenix Trading Post.

BPAL and BPTP offer a regular catalog of scents that are always available. Several times a year, they have the big releases: Lupercalia, Liliths, Weenies, Yules. Typically there are several other smaller releases in between. Plus, there are monthly “lunacy” scents released each month. There’s always something exciting going on in the world of BPAL (which can be quite dangerous for the wallet!).

Although Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab is popular, I don’t think it gets even close to the credit it deserves. What the most famous artists in history have done for the eyes, Elizabeth Barrial (the Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab founder) does for the nose. It truly is an art, and she is a master at it!

The community of BPAL fans is incredible, too. You’ll never find a more inclusive, helpful, and generous group of people. There is a huge second-hand market, which means if you buy an oil and it doesn’t work for you, it’s easy to sell it or swap it. And a swap package is never just a bottle in an envelope–most BPAListas have made it an art of putting together a beautiful and fun package with little extras and samples (**note: while commonplace, this is not a requirement). The forum, www.bpal.org has an abundance of information, reviews, discussion, tips–anything you could want to know about BPAL is there.

I could go on and on, but I’ll save that for another day 🙂

If you’re intrigued, give them a try–you won’t regret it.

I know, I’m raving, but it is totally warranted.

Some bottle porn of my lovelies: