It’s OK to not be happy all the time

I feel like I’ve been in a trap of not wanting to write about the things that aren’t positive because I want to have this image of being positive and progressive.

I also feel like I write a lot about why I don’t write enough.

It seems like an awful lot of excuses.

Today I was on Twitter and writing a #depressingdailythought.

I worried right after I wrote about it about what the possible implications could be of writing something sad or negative. How will that affect things when I want to grow my life mission into helping people? Won’t I look like a fraud if I do not always portray an image of happy-go-lucky bubbliness?

Later I was able to add in a #positivedailythought. Not because I HAD to, but because I WANTED to.

Truth is, that’s life. Things ebb and flow and we just make the most of it. I am OK with that. I can be a happy person without always being happy.  I can be progressive without always having a smile on my face.

Everyday for about 6 months now I have cared less and less about what other people think and have shared more about myself and my truth.

THAT is progress to me.

SIDE NOTE:

I went to look for an image about progress and small successes to go with this post. Damn near everyone is about weight loss/exercise/diet.

Shit- don’t people care about the mental well-being and happiness not tied up in your jean size?

Well, I do!

 

#nofilter

Write drunk, edit sober

they say,

Hemingway, I believe.

Because the real you isn’t enough

until your psyche is good and

muddled.

Spit it out while the barriers are down.

#nofilter

today.

Just get it out

shout it loud

and don’t worry about the crowd.

For those you know are the ones that matter

and those you don’t are the ones who judge.

It they don’t like it

it’s no harm,

no foul.

Who needs editing

anyhow?

World Poetry Day

When I was younger, I used to write A LOT of poems.

(I know, I know, who hasn’t?)

Today is World Poetry Day, so I was inspired and thought it would be fun to try again. I really enjoyed the process–crafting ideas, turning complex thought into singular imagery, selecting just the right words.

I’m no poet laureate, this was done just for myself and it felt good to read the finished project.

A few words that are all me.

I think I might work on this hobby for a while to see what I can come up with.

Quite appropriate that this showed up on my Timehop today of all days.

Be still my heart <3

White Noise

 

I’ve moved on, I say.

Carrying on

day-by-day.

 

Cranking up white noise

drowning out the humming,

pesky fly.

An ever-stealthy alarm

palpates, murmuring

I’m still here

don’t go

this story has more pages yet.

 

Muzzled and corked

time marches forth

creating new pinholes

and releasing the warmth

teasing the promise

of an age without storms.

 

You’re so strong, they say.

So proud of how you

stayed the course.

 

And still–

 

Dampened laughter masks

constrained affection.

A parasitic shadow with the mass

of a dozen years

laces the outline of my smile.

Tormented by a certain shade of pink

until the ties of words and tears

have ruptured.

 

I’m fine, I say.

Just another day.

Stepping away from uncomfortably numb

After 20+ years as a bibliophile with a weight problem, I must say I am fairly well read on the topic of health, nutrition, and weight loss. 

During that time span, I’ve read and watched many weight loss success stories. Of those that are successful in the long term, there seems to be a recurring component–where the person attacks not only the physical habits, but dives deep into the mental and emotional causes for their obesity.

While I’ve dabbled in this before, there’s always been a sticking point. A lot of those people go in knowing what their big issue is. Usually it is some type of sexual abuse. Other times great personal loss or perhaps severe trauma. Sometimes it’s a long term relationship with a parent or other family member that edges on emotional/mental abuse.

But for me, I can’t just pick something out and say, “yep, that’s it.” It makes it hard to commit to fixing my head when I can’t see the problem head on.

Before, I used to tell myself that wasn’t what my problem was. That it was just a lifestyle and motivation problem.

However, lately I have been thinking about it more and more. There must be a reason for the way that I am. My subconscious is way too good at perpetuating  this self-inflicted pain as some sort of a defensive mechanism.

What am I protecting myself from? I have a few small ideas of things in my life that may have contributed. I need to look more into those things, write about them, feel whatever emotions come up. As I do, I truly think it will work to force myself to be more mindful about what I am doing to myself and why, so that I can course correct and move forward on the path of healing that I have been searching for.

I want to write about it here, because when I write in the public forum it feels more real. I hide myself enough already and putting myself out there–good and bad–is a big factor of the practice of me bringing to light the me that I love.

So, that’s the plan. It might seem stuck on this topic for a while here, but I’ll try to switch it up a bit.

Here’s to the first step towards a future where I take care of myself in healthy ways rather than numbing and masking.

 

Things that are hard to talk about

I’ve been sitting with the thoughts from my previous post for a day now.

After a chat with a good friend of mine who is dealing with similar blocks, I am feeling motivated to at least move forward and take some action towards getting comfortable with the whole truth being my public persona.

(and also have official decided to read the book Radical Honesty, which might enlighten me on the topic.)

I’ve decided as a first step, without going into depth on the different topics, I will just write up a list of the subjects that I am wanting to open up about:

  1. Journalling openly as a method to figure out the mental/emotional issues that surround my weight problem
  2. Writing about the sexual abuse that infiltrated my family and caused my life to turn upside down 5 years ago
  3. Being forthcoming about my inability to truly connect with people outside of close romantic relationships and the mother/daughter bond and how that causes me to not be able to maintain long-term friendships or other meaningful relationships with people that I care about
  4. An ongoing struggle with missing the younger, wilder version of me that felt most alive
  5. My minor challenges with the urge to use various substances
  6. Talking about some of the serious issues and experiences I had as a young adult, how I got through them, and how I feel about them today
  7. Discussing love and sex and how they evolve and change based upon current life situations
  8. My feelings about the tensions between people with different opinions on philosophy, politics, etc and how to deal with them
  9.  The real reasons that stop me from taking action on goals I have for myself
  10. Personal life stories, including those that could potentially not be welcomed by other people involved in them. How to get over the fear of unveiling my story without feeling so vulnerable and fearing retribution.

I that that’s all I have for now, but I’m sure there are more that I’ll think of later.

It’s a start.