Category: Uncategorized

Keeping it light today! I’ve been an Animal Crossing junkie for almost 2 decades now. As you might imagine, I dove head first into New Horizons when it came it out. Come take a guided tour of my island, complete with farm, theme park, graveyard, Zen garden, mad scientist lab, and haunted house 🙂

If you read my post earlier this week about my proposed schedule for blog topics moving forward, you had seen this:

Wednesday – Letters to those who I cannot express things to in person but about whom I need to feel as if I’ve shared my story about how their actions have affected me and other loved ones at least in some way.

Before I actually dive into that one, I want to dedicate a first post on the topic to exactly what that means and why I wish to do it.

You see, there is still a lot of unprocessed and unexpressed hurt that I struggle with. Most of it is due to the events related to my ex-husbands, but it’s not just them, but also other related people. There are also some old things that I’ve been working on processing in therapy and otherwise have on my mind that I’d like to write about.

Why letters?

In the past, I have written letters to people when I am my mind is silently screaming out everything that I need to say. Whether I have actually delivered these message or not, the process of writing down all my thoughts and feelings to that person has always been quite helpful.

My head has a tendency to do this thing where it writes letters in my head…endlessly. Like “Hey, Ryan–this is what you need to say to this person so they understand what they have done and how it has affected you: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.” And these just won’t stop until I take the time to sit and write it. Once I get it down, it finally stops. I might think of another thing or two to include down the road, but as long as I didn’t actually send it, I can just pop it in there.

When I write, I do have to come from the feeling as though I am actually going to send it, although ultimately it doesn’t really matter if I do not. In fact, sometimes it’s better than when I do reach out to someone because if they ignore what I say or respond cruelly it can end up being less productive than if I just save the file on my computer and forget about it.

The hardest ones are those to the people who refuse to listen and seem like they just don’t care. I don’t understand how anyone can be cruel, so when people treat me and/or my child with cruelty it really, really bothers me and it just kills not being able to make them understand or care. As a caring person who possesses empathy, it’s unfathomable to me how some people can be so very cold, heartless, and cruel.

I know that I can’t really do anything to change the way people act, but I can at least feel like I tried. I feel a strong urge to just be heard–whether it changes hearts and minds or not.

So I’m going to be writing some of these and/or publishing some of the ones that I have already written. Maybe someday the people I’m writing to will see them. Maybe not. But I’ll know I expressed what was screaming to get out.

I’ll likely not use real names when I write here on the blog, but I think to the people they are about, they’ll know.

Started talking on this topic in yesterday’s post here, but only got through the “love” part and not the “other stuff”–which was actually the more important part, so decided to do a video.

It’s all about how the idea of love and relationships is freaking complicated after you’ve been through multiple relationships ending in complete and utter disgusting betrayal and hurt. It’s not fun to navigate, but it can be worth it for the good stuff that comes out of it. Fingers crossed that things don’t go catastrophic this time.

So, it’s only the first day of this new schedule and the whole day got away from me without me writing. But, I have remembered now and I will get a post in before I get busy for the rest of the evening. I think I need to set a reminder for myself on my phone!

So….love.

Yep. Love.

This is a topic that I have resisted writing about because of the good old “fear of judgement” thing. I imagine people thinking “How can someone who just went through all that be thinking about love again???” But I know that’s the negative self-talk and fear speaking.

In reality, I am fully comfortable and confident in everything that is going on and I am not ashamed.

So, long story short–I am completely, insanely, and wonderfully in love with the most extraordinary man. I wasn’t looking for it, and neither was he, and yet, here we are.

It’s kind of a messy story. In fact, I’ve known him for quite sometime as an friend/acquaintance. Even more complicating, he was also a victim of this big explosion of betrayal that took place back in August. We ended up connecting on a deeper level as we kind of leaned on each other to help get through this. It was nice to have someone to talk to who at least kind of “got” what it was that you were going through. There were plenty of sympathetic ears, but the two of us just being free to vent and wallow in the horrible feelings was cathartic.

And then, suddenly, a spark. A spark that blossomed quite quickly into a deep appreciation for each other. There was this huge feeling of “how did we miss this all these years?” Of course, we knew the answer–it was that we were both committed to other relationships and aren’t the type to even have anything like that on our radar. So, we found ourselves with these unexpected and wonderful feelings and just decided to take it one day at a time.

We were both very skeptical at first. I knew darn well that there was a good chance that this was a product of the mess we were in and we were just clinging to something that felt good when everything else felt so bad.

And yet as more and more time went by, it was unavoidable that the feelings were real.

I have a lot more to write about that process because–trust me–falling in love and learning to trust someone else is NOT an easy challenge. I still struggle with things and find myself second guessing every little thing.

But..this guy. Wow. He has surpassed all hopes and expectations and turned out to be everything that I didn’t even know that I wanted and I needed.

It’s seriously amazing. I’ve never felt more loved in my entire life.

My friends and family know about us already. I just thought I would take the time to be open and honest about it here on on my other social media as this is a huge part of my story and what I am sharing about.

It’s much too beautiful to hide any longer.

**I get into the “other stuff” in the video in Part 2 here.**

How many times have I been on here on the blog talking about how I’ve fallen out of the habit of writing but that I would be starting again with a vengeance?

Too many. And yet, here we are again.

I’ve been stuck in a bit of a limbo lately. I am finding myself immersed in some wonderful new life developments and at the same time finding myself stuck with making progress on the personal growth and life plans that are so very vital to me reaching my full potential.

For me, writing my raw and real feelings and getting express some of the great pains and joys of my life is extremely therapeutic. And yet I let all kinds of things get in the way of me doing what needs to be done.

However, I truly feel that I can get over the hump and create great and lasting changing in my life, in addition to putting myself in the role that I know I should be in in terms of creating a place where people like me can come together and overcome and blossom and grow beyond anything we’ve previously imagined.

In order to get there, I must get back to finding, owning, and sharing my true voice. No more worrying about who is going to see what and what people will think. This is me and I am this and I am not afraid.

I plan on putting a schedule in place for writing on different topics, at least for in the beginning, so that I can stay focused, have some prompts to start with, and also be sure that I am taking the time to express what I need to talk about and process on some of the biggest main issues in my life.

So this is day one.

And here’s my plan:

Monday – General mindset and planning

Tuesday – Relationships/Life in General

Wednesday – Writings on the healing process or letters to those who I cannot express things to in person but about whom I need to feel as if I’ve shared my story about how their actions have affected me and other loved ones at least in some way.

Thursday – Freeform 🙂 Personal musings/life lessons/ general sharing about hobbies, interests, or opinions

Friday – Health and Wellness Updates

I might write more than this. I might miss days. But I’m hoping this will start to open up the floodgates and start getting me tuned into the way of thinking and action that I need to be in to be able to fully blossom and create all that I want to create in my life and in this world.

This is primarily for my own personal growth. Maybe they’ll be some people out there listening. Maybe people who won’t like what I have to say will listen. But I will commit and persist to do what I know that I feel is the what I need to do in order to heal from past traumas and start putting my life’s work into action.

Feeling hopefully and feeling proud of this step of just sitting down and writing instead of just writing these things over over and over in my head without actually getting this down in the format they need to be in.

Let’s go!