The (sometimes) struggle to stay positive

I’m generally a pretty positive and optimistic person.

Truth be, that was even more so that case before the shit that’s happened in my life in past 8 years. But, generally, that is the case.

I really WANT to believe in the general goodness of people.

That love and generosity triumph over hate and cruelty.

But, sometimes that gets really hard.

When every day you or someone you love is being harassed and abused by some angry person who just can’t let go of the need for selfish revenge it gets tiresome.

It’s very disconcerting when people dear to you (who you know aren’t “bad” people) are brainwashed by conspiracy theories or wrapped up in fear & hate mongering to the point that you can’t even look at their social media profiles without feeling sad, disgusted, and disturbed.

The fact that a good portion of the citizens in this country consistently ignore science, facts, evidence, common sense, and even common decency can really leave someone feeling despair and a pretty strong lack of hope that things can ever get better.

I wish that there was some way to get to see the cruel people to see what they are doing and to be the catalyst for them to stop, but I’ve tried that to no avail.

I wish that I could get those who perpetuate a hateful social and political agenda to see their ignorance and to see something outside their own narrow, harmful worldview. But again, I’ve tried so hard and those minds and hearts are closed tight.

But I’m going to keep trying.

I’m going to think about the wonderful people in my life who are committed to sticking together and helping each other out through anything that comes our way.

I’ll try to instead remember the people who have helped my family and fought for the justice that we needed (and still need).

And I’ll try my best to turn my focus instead to the even larger group of people who are fighting for positive change and against injustice and hate in all forms.

I’ll feel the love in my heart and let it flourish.

I’ll do my best to “be love.”

But, seriously guys. Could you just take a look in the mirror and chill the fuck out already? Stop abusing people (your exes, your children, your family, your friends, your fellow humans on this planet), spreading lies and hate, and advocating against human rights and the common good.

It would really help a lot.

Yeah. So I posted this on FB today and then realized I should probably add this here, too.

I’ve really been wanting to write something on my blog about why family and politics is so damn confusing, but the more I think about it, the most frustrating it gets. It can be so hard trying to identify why you think the way you think and why others think in their fashion.

Plus, it would require airing some loud truths. Not that I mind personally, but I know it wouldn’t be well-received. I also think that people can be very blind to the reality of their words, actions, and impacts, and I’m not sure how to bring up those issues in a meaningful way.

Shit. I would probably need to do a whole series to cover all this crap.

I don’t even know why I am writing this here….just working through some things and testing the waters, I suppose. I haven’t been doing well on “expressing my voice and my story” thing these past several months because life has been offering lots of crappy things in quick succession lately that have been great distractions.

Sure, I post political and ideological news often, but it’s hard to be so open about the very personal stories and thoughts that related to them.

But wanting to get back to it, because it felt good and felt right.
So, I guess this is a start.

They’re right–“god” is responsible for a Trump presidency

Lately, I’ve seen a lot of posts on social media like this that have really made me scratch my head:

I mean, I know that I am a secular person so not really the go-to person for all things Jesus, but it is so blindingly clear that Donald  Trump and all that he stands for is the exact OPPOSITE of what is traditionally considered to be biblical virtue, so why should he be hailed as the “godly” savior of America?

Let’s just look at the facts:

  • You won’t find any of these principles in Donald Trump’s track record.

    He is on marriage #3 with 4 kids from 3 different women and has had extra marital affairs at least twice (likely much more).

  • He is on record a multitude of times laughing about how much he disrespects women and how easy it is to sexually abuse them because he is a celebrity.
  • His actions are the exact opposite of those touted in the “Golden Rule”–he bullies, name calls, and threatens just about everyone.
  • There are several instances of him mocking people with disabilities.
  • He is on the record being dishonest on endless occasions (and this is not an opinion–the facts are there).
  • His ideas promote war, violence, and torture.
  • His demeanor is the epitome of vanity and arrogance.
  • He was disrespectful towards several American war veterans.
  • He has a long record are not paying hard-working small businesses for work done for his many businesses.
  • I think it’s clear to say that modesty and humility are not ideas that have ever been practiced in his lifetime of luxury.

(if you need some more specific instances and sources, I found this really swell list that has already done the work for me.)

This disconnect is really irking a lot of people. It just doesn’t make sense, does it? Why would someone who is so obviously morally corrupt be embraced as a deity’s solution to “save” the United States?

But once I really got to thinking about it, I actually started to agree.

Religion really is the reason why we are now dealing with the current situation in the U.S. and around the world.

Let me explain…

(Note: For the sake of this discussion, I’ll be using Christianity as a reference point, although the same ideas can be applied to any religion)

You see, back when the first religions were created during the most primitive of human societies, there were a lot of questions and very few answers. Back then, coming up with stories about how and why we are here offered some peace of mind and helped to build communities built on common beliefs.

Today, we live in an ever more information-filled society. The body of evidence that supports a far-reaching, ancient universe in which our planet is just a tiny speck covered in life that has evolved over a period of billions of years without any divine intervention is overwhelming.

At the same time, religious beliefs (that are completely contradicted by the physical evidence surrounding us) are so hardwired into our culture that there is an immense pressure to follow whatever form of worship is passed down from generation to generation. And to be able to fully adopt those practices, you have to believe wholeheartedly that the theological stories you were told are, indeed true.

The conflict stems from this cognitive dissonance. People are being raised with two entirely contradictory sets of facts–one that appeals to logic and the natural desire to understand our universe and another that appeals to emotion and obligation.

When presented with this predicament, there are three options:

A. Let go of religious beliefs that are not supported by physical evidence (i.e. atheism or agnosticism)

B. Alter your understanding of religion to be a more flexible and abstract so it can be molded to fit with what we now know about the universe (as well as to allow for more tolerance of different lifestyles, races, cultures, etc)

or C. Embrace an increasingly larger amount of willful ignorance to ignore the science and still believe in religious doctrine–this is what makes up the majority of the current “right” side of the political spectrum. That’s what we’ll focus on from here on out.

It’s a defense mechanism, you see. It’s not really that the people who have come to adopt these ideas are bad people. It’s that long ago they decided that their religious views were more important to them than facts. Protecting those beliefs from a constant bombardment of facts to the contrary is a two-step process:

  1. Shrink their world view smaller and smaller–just large enough to encompass their own first person perspective and the religion-approved sources of information (just one book and the pulpit). This was easier before the information age. Most communities were pretty sectioned off and you rarely were exposed to varying points of view. This was also before the huge leap in scientific discoveries that have allowed us to better understand ourselves and the universe.
  2. Vilify anything that contradicts those two sources of information.

We, as a society, used to value and celebrate education, innovation, ideas, and breakthroughs. But in recent decades the influx of new information combined with the ease of sharing and acquiring new ideas and discoveries has caused the dynamics to shift.

The cause? The traditional religious community is in panic mode. They aren’t used to being confronted and challenged. For centuries, nay millennia, past, if one was to contradict the doctrine he or she would be instantly punished one way or another. It was much easier to keep the skeptical populace in check.

But the tides are changing. The proliferation of internet access allows people to form virtual communities of people with similar ideas. Where before someone might be too afraid to speak up about their doubts, they can now find a social outlet to explore their ideas and gain the confidence to proudly live their secular views. For the first time ever, about 25% of the U.S. population states that they are not religiously affiliated.

Churches that take a liberal approach have adapted and are able to hold on longer in this new reality. The churches that are holding fast to the old-school doctrine, however, are quickly losing their power in this world. And people who still hold onto those beliefs are finding themselves having to defend their positions ever more aggressively. The result being that in order to maintain one’s religious beliefs, the worldview must become smaller and smaller.

So how does the Trump phenomenon come into all of this? It’s a three-pronged effect.

Firstly, the more closed off one’s circle of perspective is, the harder is becomes to empathize with those outside your own class, race, sex, etc. This leads to “conservative” beliefs that only benefit a small portion of the population (AKA white nationalism). As a result, we have a group of people who hold a very strong system of beliefs that the facts just plain do not support.

Next up, any groups of people that appear to be “the problem” become the feared enemy: liberal-minded people, LGTBQ community and supporters, immigrants, African Americans, low-income America, and, hell, even the most highly education and intelligent people. For the extreme right, the very best and brightest potential leaders we have the the enemy! It’s come to where they are actually limiting public access to a secular education, discouraging the seeking of knowledge, and ostracizing people who navigate life through rational thought and logical deduction.

The third crucial piece to the puzzle is this: when you remove facts from the equation, it leaves a gap.

Enter Donald J. Trump! Here he was, a rich and powerful man who was spewing the same racist, misogynistic, xenophobic ideas from days long past. Ideas from a time where religion DID have a 100% hold on America. And he came on the scene as a man with a plan. He threw ethos and logos to the side and bombarded the Conservative Far Right with PATHOS, PATHOS, PATHOS–filling the gap by latching on to those unsubstantiated beliefs and stroking their need to feel good about ideas that previously were shameful (and rightfully so, as they are an affront to common sense and decency towards our fellow humans).

And it worked like a charm. Society had gotten to such a point that the only way to hold onto religious ideals was to create such an aversion to facts that truth didn’t matter anymore. Having a lack of sources of information that didn’t conflict with their antiquated belief system, Trump’s white nationalist platform spoke right to them was just eaten up. Instead of feeling their place in society waning, they suddenly found an opportunity to push a resurgence of bigotry and willful ignorance.

Now aside from the bible, they will only believe the words of a single man. No amount of statistical, audio, video, theoretical, or historical facts and evidence matter.

To the cult of Trump, whatever Donald tweets is biblical truth.

Just like no amount of pointing out injustices and contradictions in the bible will ever get through, no truth about Mr. Trump and his unethical behavior will affect their support of him. The bible is the word of god because it says so in the bible, and Donald Trump is the very best person to “make America great” because Donald Trump says so. There’s no logic to it.

And now that their new savior has taken office in the U.S., it gives them even more confidence in their world view. Even worse? Under this new system, the harder you deny facts and embrace your irrational belief system, the “better” the person you are. It’s a scary and dangerous system.

Now enter “Alternative Facts” on the scene–the newest phrase being spouted by the Trump administration.

“Ah, yes!,” the Christian right shout, “This is exactly the word we were looking for. Look….FACTS! I am vindicated!”

You see, the #1 argument religious people hear is that they are not thinking rationally and making evidence-based decisions. Now Camp Trump has given them “facts” that aren’t really facts, but falsehoods.

And oh the signs! Things like “God split the clouds and the sun shone down in a miracle at the inauguration!” and “The day after Trump took office the weather was really nice, it’s like God was saying ‘thank you.'” It really is a convenient system. Take what you see and interpret it however you see fit.

Convenient, but also dangerous. We now have large portions of the population who belief anything they read that supports what they feel to be true or right, regardless of the information available. There is a president in power who can do whatever he wants and his supporters will never believe that he can do any wrong.

It’s beyond frightening.

Plus it doesn’t stop at just the presidency. There are widespread consequences of this movement with regard to climate change, civil rights, public health, and more–even democracy itself.

So where do we go from here? More on that another day…

For now, I’d love to hear your thoughts on a plan for how we as a society can overcome this dark period in America’s history.

Comment below and share your ideas.

Update…still processing. 3 Days Post-President-Elect Trump

3507063_197838a5b5ea8eeca4a5072efb527e94It’s been a tough few days, and I, along with the rest of the world, have been processing after getting blind-sided on Tuesday. Got to take this in small chunks because it’s a way bigger than any one problem or solution.

Here’s what I know as of now:

1. Let it be on record that I disavow any and all violent or destructive behavior. That goes against every ideal I voted in support of on Tuesday.

2. Peaceful protesting is a good thing. But let’s protest specific issues, with a plan and a purpose in mind. It is possible to be angry AND smart AND respectful.

3. We need to stop virally sharing the atrocious displays that the worst of our society have done in the past couple of days. I know, I am guilty of this, too–but not anymore. No more racist graffiti, videos of attacks, etc. This just results in everyone judging anyone who doesn’t have the same ideas as being that worst kind of person. I am not the people beating a Trump voter in the street and my loved Republican family members are not marching with the KKK on the bridge.

4. A last minute electoral switcheroo or contesting the vote would only make things worse. If the situation were reversed, we would be outraged if that were attempted. If the old system is going to be revamped, it needs to be done when we are in between elections. To do otherwise would seriously undermine our democracy.

5. That being said, yes Trump won. And that’s scary. Everything he has shown so far is that he is an awful person who brings out the worst in people. But he couldn’t have won without the support of the people. The problem is far larger than just Trump. How we react as a society at this pivotal moment will determine if things get infinitely worse, or if this is just a case of two steps forward, one step back.

6. So what do we do from here? We keep moving forward. We stay strong and stay kind.

If you see someone being hurt or oppressed, go to them and support them rather than staying silent.

Ignore and block the trolls. If you see a vicious message, remove it if you can and replace it with your own random acts of kindness, doublefold.

If action is taken to roll back the legal and civil rights that have been achieved or to implement new legislation that is dangerous, immoral, and/or unconstitutional, we band together to protect our country our people and our planet. Peace does not equal weakness.

Volunteer. Get involved in your community. Run for public office. Find an outlet for your outrage –anything that will positively impact our society rather than drag it down.

The good news? History is on our side. In the end, every major civil rights fight has been won, and the opposition goes down in the books as the”wrong side of history.” Change might not be as fast as we like it, but slow change is better than no change at all.

We as a society have become more and more progressive with each generation, and that isn’t going to change. Maybe we just need to grab the hands of those looking backwards, frozen with fear, and show them that it’s really not all the scary.

A world with more love and less hate is something we ALL want (with a few rare exceptions). It’s just a matter of leading by example and shifting perspectives.

We can do this, together, all of us.

l

Quotes from my 12-year old after the 2016 election results

“I didn’t even want to sing the pledge today because I was so ashamed of this country.”

“I woke up today and it feels like a bad dream. The last time we had an election, it was like ‘ok, we have a new president.’ That’s the way things are supposed to go. This time it just all feels so wrong.”

“I thought I loved everyone, but I just don’t know if I can love people who think that way. I’m trying to.”

My heart was breaking as I heard these words from my daughter yesterday.

lead_960In the year+ leading up the election, she asked me about Donald Trump a lot. While we did talk about the election and she knew I was a Hillary supporter, I didn’t go into all the specific horrible things Trump had said on the record. She did however see things online or hear them at school. After all, our kids do live in an information age. Sadly, I found out that she even knows the famous “grab ’em by the pussy” line, his judgement and name-calling of women based on their appearance, the Muslim ban, and more.

Before the election, I told her that I truly believed there was more love than hate in the world.

I told her we would be OK because there were enough good, accepting people to vote against racism, misogyny, and discrimination.

I was wrong.

Many people are upset, hurt, and angry over the election results. As adults, we have seen our share of ups and downs in the country. However, it’s a different story for the kids in America who can only remember a constantly progressing world where new celebrations of acceptance have been the norm. She’s seen marriage equality become law. Thanks to new movements bullying is finally starting to be treated more seriously and more than just “kids being kids.” She embraces LGBTQ acceptance. We have talked about the separation between entire religions and the fringe groups that cause terror in this world.

Although I haven’t gotten into it on this blog yet, our family has been intimately affected by sexual abuse as well. My daughter has been assured that it is never OK, that it’s not the victim’s fault, and that we work hard to see that justice is served for those actions.

And now the country just voted in a person who embodies the opposite of all that.

As a result, she’s getting shoved into a world that goes against everything I’ve ever taught her.

That’s a challenge to explain.

When I first posted those quotes on my personal social media, there was a bit of a backlash implying that I was teaching my daughter to be disrespectful of other people’s beliefs. So let me clarify…

love-everyoneShe and I talk about love a lot. Not love in a one-on-one relationship with someone you know personally, but love for our fellow men/women. I always tell her–and mean it–that I love EVERYONE. No matter who it is on the street, in the car next to me, on another continent, or someone who is different from me ideologically in every way. I still care about that person as an individual and would help them if I had the opportunity. She had adopted this same philosophy over the years.

So when she says she’s having a hard time loving everyone, she doesn’t mean the individual friends and family members who voted against peace and love. She means the country..the world. Those who want to take away liberties from other citizens of this planet. Those who hate based on race, religion, or gender, or sexual orientation. She’s struggling with finding love for the part of our society that is in the dark and trying to pull our country backwards.

I was thankful that she brought up what she was thinking and worrying about yesterday, for each statement that she made led to a much longer conversation focused on love and hope.

I told her that we just have to come to accept it and hope that he does a better job than we think. I told her that this is how our democracy works–we don’t always win. It’s understandable to be sad today, but we can remain optimistic and we will get to vote again in 4 years and hope for a better outcome. I also showed her the numbers of the younger demographic–and how it fills me with hope knowing that the younger generation that will be stepping up the plate soon is a much more accepting version of America.

I hope I am right, and I hope she doesn’t lose her faith in the good in the world.

moving-forward-e1386197342839


 

An introduction to my BPAL Obsession

Anyone who knows me well knows that my perfume is something I take very seriously. I am totally enchanted with the products of the indie perfume oil company, Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab or BPAL (pronounced bee-pal). Since I foresee wanting to chat about my scent obsession here from time-to-time, I thought brief intro how and why it all started and why it’s so important to me was in order.

Scent has a way of transporting us somewhere else and either altering or enhancing our moods. I, personally, also tend to have a lot of “scent memories,” where random scents remind me of something I’ve done in my life. Perhaps for this reason, I’ve always been drawn to items that come in a wide variety of scents– candles, wax tarts, soaps, perfumes, etc.

317269Then, a couple years ago a friend introduced me to Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab. At first I just browsed the site for a while because it was a little overwhelming and I didn’t know where to start. Eventually, I started to accumulate a good variety of imps (testers) from the general collection. They were like nothing I’d ever experienced before. To just call it “perfume” is misleading. These aren’t just pretty scents–they are olfactory experiences that portray their subject to perfection.

Over several months of testing, I learned what notes I enjoy most and what works well on my skin. The more I experimented, the better my nose got at deciphering what I was smelling, too. What before was “floral” is now “spicy carnations” or “wet rose” – this extra level of complexity made things even more enjoyable.

Selecting a scent has now become a daily ritual. Upon awaking, time is spent selecting just the right bottle for my state of mind or the happenings of the coming day. I do it again at night with a new softer scent to enjoy as I prepare for sleep.

It may sound over-the-top, but the world of BPAL has opened up a whole new facet of sensory input in my life. It can be hard to explain to someone who doesn’t “get it,’ but these scents have truly become an integral part of me.

My collection has grown quite large since my first imps. I’m amazed at how every new scent released is completely unique and spot-on in capturing a character, a setting, a thought. Even the scents that aren’t really “me” are still winners. While one might not be something I’d like to wear all the time, it’s still awesome to let it develop on your skin, take it all in, and let the experience take over.

You can also get other items beyond perfume- like hair gloss (my favorite), atmosphere and linen sprays, bath oils, etc at the Black Phoenix Trading Post.

BPAL and BPTP offer a regular catalog of scents that are always available. Several times a year, they have the big releases: Lupercalia, Liliths, Weenies, Yules. Typically there are several other smaller releases in between. Plus, there are monthly “lunacy” scents released each month. There’s always something exciting going on in the world of BPAL (which can be quite dangerous for the wallet!).

Although Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab is popular, I don’t think it gets even close to the credit it deserves. What the most famous artists in history have done for the eyes, Elizabeth Barrial (the Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab founder) does for the nose. It truly is an art, and she is a master at it!

The community of BPAL fans is incredible, too. You’ll never find a more inclusive, helpful, and generous group of people. There is a huge second-hand market, which means if you buy an oil and it doesn’t work for you, it’s easy to sell it or swap it. And a swap package is never just a bottle in an envelope–most BPAListas have made it an art of putting together a beautiful and fun package with little extras and samples (**note: while commonplace, this is not a requirement). The forum, www.bpal.org has an abundance of information, reviews, discussion, tips–anything you could want to know about BPAL is there.

I could go on and on, but I’ll save that for another day 🙂

If you’re intrigued, give them a try–you won’t regret it.

I know, I’m raving, but it is totally warranted.


Some bottle porn of my lovelies:

The Chicago Cubs are about to change the laws of my universe

Let me start by saying that I am really not into pro-sports at all. I don’t follow the MLB news and I haven’t watched a game in decades. I certainly didn’t expect one of my first 5 blog posts to be on the topic of baseball.

But with this “Cubs in the World Series” thing really happening, I’ve just got to weigh in.

Growing up near Chicago, there was an unwritten rule that everyone understood: The Cubs never win the World Series.

It was basically an accepted fact that the team was cosmically barred from ever ending a season on top. They were the good guys who couldn’t catch a break.

ryne-blue-first
My childhood baseball crush – Ryne Sandberg <3

Long ago, I most definitely WAS a baseball person–a true blue fan of the Cubbies. Between playing softball for years and having a sport’s fan Dad who was big into collecting baseball cards and other collectibles, it was a very familiar territory. All my superfan energy was directed straight towards the dreamy Ryne Sandberg. <3

It didn’t matter than they weren’t the champs. What mattered was that the Cubs were a good-hearted team and their fans were perpetually loyal. Going to a game at Wrigley was to experience the joy of the love of the game.

Fast forward to now, 2016–>Not only are the Cubs IN THE WORLD SERIES, but they also look to have a very, very good chance of winning.

This is a good and happy thing, but also causes some pause. I mean, if the Cubs can win this, what other constants that we’ve taken for granted have been wrong all along? It’s going to take a real perspective shift to regain some balance in this world after the season is over.

In the end, I am so ready for them to just win it all so that all the die-hard Cubs fans can get in a big celebration and then we can drop the goat talk once and for all.

Although when they do, it’s going to be like a shift in the universe as I’ve always known it…

So, go do your thang and win this, Cubs!


In the spirit of things I HAVE to share this song.

Back when my daughter was little we discovered Ralph’s World at a small show in a local bookshop near where we lived. It was great fun, and over the years we acquired each and every album. My daughter is 12 now, and she still loves these songs. If you have little ones and want some music for them that is actually fun to listen to and not annoying, I can’t recommend Ralph’s World enough! We’ve sung them all at the top of our lungs over the years in the car, at home, etc.

But back to baseball…

This song was on one of the albums and, being a Cubs fan, I fell in love. It’s so totally the spirit of the team and their fans <3

Lyrics:

In Little League I played right field
‘Cause no-one my age could hit the ball there
And my best friend led the team in hits
And I was lucky if I got to bat
Hitless through my childhood years
My baseball dreams all disappeared, but…
I always wished that I could be a Cubby
Wrigley Field, summer afternoon
In the top of the ninth I’d catch a long fly
To save the game like I could never do
And maybe someday I can be a Cubby
Even only for a day or two
I’ll sit on the bench, ‘cause that’s where I play the best
But my heart will be beating Cubby blue

image: http://static.urx.io/units/web/urx-unit-loader.gif
But I always wished that I could be a Cubby
Wrigley Field, summer afternoon
From the bleachers to the stands
Every woman child and man
Will stand and sing with voices loud and true
And maybe someday we can watch the Cubbies
Win the World Series once again
Bases loaded in the ninth, I’ll step up to the plate
And hit the ball to Waveland Avenue
To win one for the Cubby blue