Chronicles – Well-Rounded Ryan

Undoing what was done in shame

A while back I restarted my journey to get healthy. (It’s going awesome, by the way!)

When I did, I came on here and looked back at all of my old weight-related blog posts and felt a ashamed and embarrassed. I left like if I leave up my failed attempts, it’s going to make people this that this time is going to be a failure, too. So, I made them all private.

Part of my personal growth is to be cognizant of these things and, when recognized, correct them. That’s what this short post is all about.

Today, right after I publish this, I’m going to set them all to “public” again. I want to own all of myself and my story. My life is one of many ups and downs, but always with an overreaching upwards arc. And I’m proud of that.

And the real life lesson is….

Today social media helped to reinforce something important after I posted a depressing and pessimistic status on Facebook.

I got blindsided by a punch to the heart earlier, and it sucked. For me, it helps a little to share how I am feeling, hence me sharing it there.

I thought about just deleting it, but changed my mind and instead am choosing to give a reminder:

Sometimes life hurts, and in that moment it seems like it’ll feel that way forever–even if logically you know better.

But, if you let yourself feel your pain and process it however you need to, the sooner you’ll get past it.

Today it just took an afternoon to feel ok again.

At my worst, it was a good 6 months of what felt like hopeless darkness and despair.

The same shitty thing still happened. It wasn’t a misunderstanding and nothing happened to somehow resolve the situation. I just let myself feel what I was feeling and worked through it the best I could instead of retaliating, stifling my feelings, or further victimizing myself.

You’ve probably felt that way before.

Maybe you are feeling that way right now.

Chances are it will happen again at sometime during your time here in the universe.

But remember:

Pain is temporary, and life gets better.

Yeah. So I posted this on FB today and then realized I should probably add this here, too.

I’ve really been wanting to write something on my blog about why family and politics is so damn confusing, but the more I think about it, the most frustrating it gets. It can be so hard trying to identify why you think the way you think and why others think in their fashion.

Plus, it would require airing some loud truths. Not that I mind personally, but I know it wouldn’t be well-received. I also think that people can be very blind to the reality of their words, actions, and impacts, and I’m not sure how to bring up those issues in a meaningful way.

Shit. I would probably need to do a whole series to cover all this crap.

I don’t even know why I am writing this here….just working through some things and testing the waters, I suppose. I haven’t been doing well on “expressing my voice and my story” thing these past several months because life has been offering lots of crappy things in quick succession lately that have been great distractions.

Sure, I post political and ideological news often, but it’s hard to be so open about the very personal stories and thoughts that related to them.

But wanting to get back to it, because it felt good and felt right.
So, I guess this is a start.

Life gets in the way

Lately I’ve been really stuck and can’t seem to get going.

Artax stuck in the mud is pretty much my spirit animal right now.

From October of last year through about March, I was doing great. Making constant progress with organization and mental clarity, learning new things, completing projects, exploring my creativity, and putting myself out in the world more.

Then some major life things started creeping in and won’t seem to let go. I’m not going to lie and say “Oh I haven’t had the time.” The truth is, my mind hasn’t had the space and energy. It’s not just one thing. It’s been a cluster of things happening with so many people that I love. Then, a few weeks ago, I had the biggest bomb drop in my lap and that just completely took over.

It was like I had a lot of external things to give a shit about and then one giant smothering turd landed on top and that rules my thoughts since.

I’ve shoveled away the main parts of the mess that were blocking me from even seeing the rest of the world, but I’m not in the clear yet. Now I’m trying to get up and start walking again, but I’m slipping around on the all the original problems and still feeling the weight of the monster of a problem that has infiltrated my life.

On the plus side, I haven’t lost most of the habits and changes that I started–just haven’t made any further progress.

This week I might have moved like a couple of inches. Better than nothing, I guess. I mean, I’m here, aren’t I?

I’m back

Forcing myself to write because it’s been far too long.

It’s late, so I won’t say much.

My head is buzzing and there are so many things to do and say and share.

I’ll be back with more. I think I really just needed to break the silence and say SOMETHING.

That is all.

It’s OK to not be happy all the time

I feel like I’ve been in a trap of not wanting to write about the things that aren’t positive because I want to have this image of being positive and progressive.

I also feel like I write a lot about why I don’t write enough.

It seems like an awful lot of excuses.

Today I was on Twitter and writing a #depressingdailythought.

I worried right after I wrote about it about what the possible implications could be of writing something sad or negative. How will that affect things when I want to grow my life mission into helping people? Won’t I look like a fraud if I do not always portray an image of happy-go-lucky bubbliness?

Later I was able to add in a #positivedailythought. Not because I HAD to, but because I WANTED to.

Truth is, that’s life. Things ebb and flow and we just make the most of it. I am OK with that. I can be a happy person without always being happy. I can be progressive without always having a smile on my face.

Everyday for about 6 months now I have cared less and less about what other people think and have shared more about myself and my truth.

THAT is progress to me.

SIDE NOTE:

I went to look for an image about progress and small successes to go with this post. Damn near everyone is about weight loss/exercise/diet.

Shit- don’t people care about the mental well-being and happiness not tied up in your jean size?

Well, I do!

Things that are hard to talk about

I’ve been sitting with the thoughts from my previous post for a day now.

After a chat with a good friend of mine who is dealing with similar blocks, I am feeling motivated to at least move forward and take some action towards getting comfortable with the whole truth being my public persona.

(and also have official decided to read the book Radical Honesty, which might enlighten me on the topic.)

I’ve decided as a first step, without going into depth on the different topics, I will just write up a list of the subjects that I am wanting to open up about:

Journalling openly as a method to figure out the mental/emotional issues that surround my weight problem
Writing about the sexual abuse that infiltrated my family and caused my life to turn upside down 5 years ago
Being forthcoming about my inability to truly connect with people outside of close romantic relationships and the mother/daughter bond and how that causes me to not be able to maintain long-term friendships or other meaningful relationships with people that I care about
An ongoing struggle with missing the younger, wilder version of me that felt most alive
My minor challenges with the urge to use various substances
Talking about some of the serious issues and experiences I had as a young adult, how I got through them, and how I feel about them today
Discussing love and sex and how they evolve and change based upon current life situations
My feelings about the tensions between people with different opinions on philosophy, politics, etc and how to deal with them
The real reasons that stop me from taking action on goals I have for myself
Personal life stories, including those that could potentially not be welcomed by other people involved in them. How to get over the fear of unveiling my story without feeling so vulnerable and fearing retribution.

I that that’s all I have for now, but I’m sure there are more that I’ll think of later.

It’s a start.

Not writing because I can’t bring myself to write what I need to write

Checking in since the blog has been quiet for a couple of weeks.

To be honest, I am bursting at the seams with things to write, but keep running into the same wall over and over again when I think about pouring it all out.

I’m not writing because the things that my mind is spinning with are all things that I just don’t feel comfortable posting in the public realm for one reason or another. Mostly due to pissing off people I care about, but also due to a struggle with being forthcoming about issues I deal with.

The line of too personal is not clear for me and I have to figure it out.

I did purchased a writing table which is pretty great. It allows me to write offline without distractions. But even that doesn’t solve the issue because I really WANT to be able to be completely transparent, and therefore I delay hoping to get past this hurdle.

Honestly, I know this post isn’t very interesting or enlightening. I just needed to get it out.

Daring Greatly (even when telling my kid to pick up her room for the 1,476,282th time)

I was reading Daring Greatly by Brené Brown last week when I came to this “Engaged Feedback Checklist.”

(scroll to the bottom on this post)

The section it was in was actually about giving feedback in a professional environment, but as I read it I instantly thought about how I approach my daughter when we are having an issue or a struggle.

(Now, later in the book, she actually has a section on Daring Greatly as a parent, but I didn’t know that when I reaching this checklist)

It really hit home. This list is the recipe for success when talking to our kids. The times that I have had the most meaningful and productive conversations have been when I did these exact things. I may not have had the checklist before, but slowing down and reacting mindfully gets this result.

I wish I could say that I always do it the right way.

Overall, I would say I am a damn good parent. I am proud to say that I have been tested in the biggest of ways and passed.

BUT…the one thing I struggle with is reacting quickly and speaking in a way I later regret. I’ll either get frustrated with an endless mess and yell about it using negative language “you ALWAYS leave your stuff out,” or “you’re so messy!” I am absolutely guilty of using language that can potentially shape her self-image in a shameful way.

I do correct myself afterwards when it happens, and it’s not every day, so at least I have that going for me. The positive words FAR outweigh the negative, but to me that’s not good enough. I’m going to print this sign out and post it out in the open.

I’m also going to show it to Ally. I think she can learn from it as well and can use this approach when she takes issue with one of our decisions or behaviors.

We can learn and do better together. We are a wholehearted family. We will dare greatly and live lives of constant personal growth.

3am Wake-Up Call

It’s just after 3am on a Friday morning and I’ve been up for hours.

My mind and my body were yelling a wake-up call at me, and I had to answer.

My head won’t let me sleep because my thoughts are racing since I haven’t given myself an outlet to write about them. I’m still doing the Bullet Journal thing, which is GREAT for the day-to-day to-do’s and calendar planning, as well as tracking ideas as they come up. But, I have been horrible with routine planning and journaling.

My body won’t let me sleep because my schedule has been all over the place, my skin is itching like crazy because I haven’t taken my daily allergy pill or figured out the trigger, and I’m uncomfortable and puffy from eating junk and not drinking enough water.

I could have pushed through the unease and gone back to bed, albeit fitfully. But I can’t do that anymore.

So I’m getting up, showering to relieve my skin, taking my medicine, writing this, and getting back on track with things.

Time to go back to living mindfully.