Author: girlryan

The (sometimes) struggle to stay positive

I’m generally a pretty positive and optimistic person.

Truth be, that was even more so that case before the shit that’s happened in my life in past 8 years. But, generally, that is the case.

I really WANT to believe in the general goodness of people.

That love and generosity triumph over hate and cruelty.

But, sometimes that gets really hard.

When every day you or someone you love is being harassed and abused by some angry person who just can’t let go of the need for selfish revenge it gets tiresome.

It’s very disconcerting when people dear to you (who you know aren’t “bad” people) are brainwashed by conspiracy theories or wrapped up in fear & hate mongering to the point that you can’t even look at their social media profiles without feeling sad, disgusted, and disturbed.

The fact that a good portion of the citizens in this country consistently ignore science, facts, evidence, common sense, and even common decency can really leave someone feeling despair and a pretty strong lack of hope that things can ever get better.

I wish that there was some way to get to see the cruel people to see what they are doing and to be the catalyst for them to stop, but I’ve tried that to no avail.

I wish that I could get those who perpetuate a hateful social and political agenda to see their ignorance and to see something outside their own narrow, harmful worldview. But again, I’ve tried so hard and those minds and hearts are closed tight.

But I’m going to keep trying.

I’m going to think about the wonderful people in my life who are committed to sticking together and helping each other out through anything that comes our way.

I’ll try to instead remember the people who have helped my family and fought for the justice that we needed (and still need).

And I’ll try my best to turn my focus instead to the even larger group of people who are fighting for positive change and against injustice and hate in all forms.

I’ll feel the love in my heart and let it flourish.

I’ll do my best to “be love.”

But, seriously guys. Could you just take a look in the mirror and chill the fuck out already? Stop abusing people (your exes, your children, your family, your friends, your fellow humans on this planet), spreading lies and hate, and advocating against human rights and the common good.

It would really help a lot.

What’s with the letters?

If you read my post earlier this week about my proposed schedule for blog topics moving forward, you had seen this:

Wednesday – Letters to those who I cannot express things to in person but about whom I need to feel as if I’ve shared my story about how their actions have affected me and other loved ones at least in some way.

Before I actually dive into that one, I want to dedicate a first post on the topic to exactly what that means and why I wish to do it.

You see, there is still a lot of unprocessed and unexpressed hurt that I struggle with. Most of it is due to the events related to my ex-husbands, but it’s not just them, but also other related people. There are also some old things that I’ve been working on processing in therapy and otherwise have on my mind that I’d like to write about.

Why letters?

In the past, I have written letters to people when I am my mind is silently screaming out everything that I need to say. Whether I have actually delivered these message or not, the process of writing down all my thoughts and feelings to that person has always been quite helpful.

My head has a tendency to do this thing where it writes letters in my head…endlessly. Like “Hey, Ryan–this is what you need to say to this person so they understand what they have done and how it has affected you: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.” And these just won’t stop until I take the time to sit and write it. Once I get it down, it finally stops. I might think of another thing or two to include down the road, but as long as I didn’t actually send it, I can just pop it in there.

When I write, I do have to come from the feeling as though I am actually going to send it, although ultimately it doesn’t really matter if I do not. In fact, sometimes it’s better than when I do reach out to someone because if they ignore what I say or respond cruelly it can end up being less productive than if I just save the file on my computer and forget about it.

The hardest ones are those to the people who refuse to listen and seem like they just don’t care. I don’t understand how anyone can be cruel, so when people treat me and/or my child with cruelty it really, really bothers me and it just kills not being able to make them understand or care. As a caring person who possesses empathy, it’s unfathomable to me how some people can be so very cold, heartless, and cruel.

I know that I can’t really do anything to change the way people act, but I can at least feel like I tried. I feel a strong urge to just be heard–whether it changes hearts and minds or not.

So I’m going to be writing some of these and/or publishing some of the ones that I have already written. Maybe someday the people I’m writing to will see them. Maybe not. But I’ll know I expressed what was screaming to get out.

I’ll likely not use real names when I write here on the blog, but I think to the people they are about, they’ll know.

Love and Other Stuff (Part 2)

Started talking on this topic in yesterday’s post here, but only got through the “love” part and not the “other stuff”–which was actually the more important part, so decided to do a video.

It’s all about how the idea of love and relationships is freaking complicated after you’ve been through multiple relationships ending in complete and utter disgusting betrayal and hurt. It’s not fun to navigate, but it can be worth it for the good stuff that comes out of it. Fingers crossed that things don’t go catastrophic this time.

Love and Other Stuff (Part 1)

So, it’s only the first day of this new schedule and the whole day got away from me without me writing. But, I have remembered now and I will get a post in before I get busy for the rest of the evening. I think I need to set a reminder for myself on my phone!

So….love.

Yep. Love.

This is a topic that I have resisted writing about because of the good old “fear of judgement” thing. I imagine people thinking “How can someone who just went through all that be thinking about love again???” But I know that’s the negative self-talk and fear speaking.

In reality, I am fully comfortable and confident in everything that is going on and I am not ashamed.

So, long story short–I am completely, insanely, and wonderfully in love with the most extraordinary man. I wasn’t looking for it, and neither was he, and yet, here we are.

It’s kind of a messy story. In fact, I’ve known him for quite sometime as an friend/acquaintance. Even more complicating, he was also a victim of this big explosion of betrayal that took place back in August. We ended up connecting on a deeper level as we kind of leaned on each other to help get through this. It was nice to have someone to talk to who at least kind of “got” what it was that you were going through. There were plenty of sympathetic ears, but the two of us just being free to vent and wallow in the horrible feelings was cathartic.

And then, suddenly, a spark. A spark that blossomed quite quickly into a deep appreciation for each other. There was this huge feeling of “how did we miss this all these years?” Of course, we knew the answer–it was that we were both committed to other relationships and aren’t the type to even have anything like that on our radar. So, we found ourselves with these unexpected and wonderful feelings and just decided to take it one day at a time.

We were both very skeptical at first. I knew darn well that there was a good chance that this was a product of the mess we were in and we were just clinging to something that felt good when everything else felt so bad.

And yet as more and more time went by, it was unavoidable that the feelings were real.

I have a lot more to write about that process because–trust me–falling in love and learning to trust someone else is NOT an easy challenge. I still struggle with things and find myself second guessing every little thing.

But..this guy. Wow. He has surpassed all hopes and expectations and turned out to be everything that I didn’t even know that I wanted and I needed.

It’s seriously amazing. I’ve never felt more loved in my entire life.

My friends and family know about us already. I just thought I would take the time to be open and honest about it here on on my other social media as this is a huge part of my story and what I am sharing about.

It’s much too beautiful to hide any longer.

**I get into the “other stuff” in the video in Part 2 here.**

Déjà vu

How many times have I been on here on the blog talking about how I’ve fallen out of the habit of writing but that I would be starting again with a vengeance?

Too many. And yet, here we are again.

I’ve been stuck in a bit of a limbo lately. I am finding myself immersed in some wonderful new life developments and at the same time finding myself stuck with making progress on the personal growth and life plans that are so very vital to me reaching my full potential.

For me, writing my raw and real feelings and getting express some of the great pains and joys of my life is extremely therapeutic. And yet I let all kinds of things get in the way of me doing what needs to be done.

However, I truly feel that I can get over the hump and create great and lasting changing in my life, in addition to putting myself in the role that I know I should be in in terms of creating a place where people like me can come together and overcome and blossom and grow beyond anything we’ve previously imagined.

In order to get there, I must get back to finding, owning, and sharing my true voice. No more worrying about who is going to see what and what people will think. This is me and I am this and I am not afraid.

I plan on putting a schedule in place for writing on different topics, at least for in the beginning, so that I can stay focused, have some prompts to start with, and also be sure that I am taking the time to express what I need to talk about and process on some of the biggest main issues in my life.

So this is day one.

And here’s my plan:

Monday – General mindset and planning

Tuesday – Relationships/Life in General

Wednesday – Writings on the healing process or letters to those who I cannot express things to in person but about whom I need to feel as if I’ve shared my story about how their actions have affected me and other loved ones at least in some way.

Thursday – Freeform 🙂 Personal musings/life lessons/ general sharing about hobbies, interests, or opinions

Friday – Health and Wellness Updates

I might write more than this. I might miss days. But I’m hoping this will start to open up the floodgates and start getting me tuned into the way of thinking and action that I need to be in to be able to fully blossom and create all that I want to create in my life and in this world.

This is primarily for my own personal growth. Maybe they’ll be some people out there listening. Maybe people who won’t like what I have to say will listen. But I will commit and persist to do what I know that I feel is the what I need to do in order to heal from past traumas and start putting my life’s work into action.

Feeling hopefully and feeling proud of this step of just sitting down and writing instead of just writing these things over over and over in my head without actually getting this down in the format they need to be in.

Let’s go!

Brainspotting Therapy – my patient initial experiences

I started a new therapy a few weeks ago and have had a few sessions so far. It’s called brainspotting and it’s basically a way of accessing, processing, and releasing mental/emotional blockages (pain, trauma) by using your eye positioning.

The general idea is “where you look determines how you feel.” It’s in interesting concept, and so far my experiences with it have been pretty amazing. In this video I share a bit about my first two sessions and how they’ve helped me.

More About Brainspotting:

Brainspotting Therapy – a sketch animation by Dr. Mark Grixti

What is Brainspotting? by Dr. Grand, Founder

Which voice will you heed?

I believe that we have it within ourselves to heal and to create the futures we dream of. I believe it is even a simple thing to do–at least in the most basic terms. We just need to tune into that ever-present part of ourselves that vibrates in the right frequency and leads us towards our ideal selves.

It’s almost comical, really. Leading up to me writing this little musing I must have been tempted by a dozen different distractions trying to keep me from just turning on the computer and working. The next episode of Outlander, a game of Tetris, a fluffy cat on the sofa that’s softness screamed to me to be petted, a cake on the counter, my Facebook feed multiple times…basically absolutely anything that would keep me stagnant and keep me from taking action.

(So, why are we so apt to give in to those things that hold us back? More on that another day.)

When I am in a place of struggle, even at my lowest, there are always these little nudges in the back of my consciousness leading me in the right direction.

I might not always obey them…heck, honestly when things are bad most of the time I do not. But, they are there.

I’m talking about the voice in your head that tells you to turn off the TV and go write down your thoughts. The part of you that makes a well-intentioned statement before bed about how you are going to eat better the next day. That warning about how maybe you’ve been self-medicating a bit too much lately that you shove away as you pour another drink to numb your thoughts.

Always present, we have the power to heed them and put ourselves on the right path or to cover our ears and sing “la, la, la!” so that we can go back to whatever escape mechanism we are using to avoid feeling and doing.

The things that they are telling you to do are usually not even “bad” or “hard” things. They are things that, in most cases, are even enjoyable and make us feel good.

When we ignore them, they stay small and insignificant. If we listen just a little–just start to entertain the idea and perhaps do a little mental planning–they gain a little steam. After they mull around in your head for a while one of two things will happen: either you’ll lose momentum and go back to indulging their opposition or your start turning those mental plans into concrete plans followed by action.

The more attention you give them, the stronger they get.

And the more you can say no to what’s pulling you backwards or holding you in place, the more those forces diminish.

Fully tune in to the right nudges and strip away the distractions and you’ll be unstoppable.

So for today? I choose to turn my attention in the right direction and take action. I will sit and write down an acknowledgement of the power within me to simply go forward on this path that I know leads to better things.

I choose to remind myself of the truth that I already know and to put myself back on a forward-moving journey.

What happened.

After a many months long hiatus I just posted the update copied below on Instagram.

Click link to see the full post.

After getting up the nerve to come back to life online with that, I decided to go all in post a video that I recorded back on 10/15/19 explaining what happened to cause me to go dark.

It’s not a fun video. But it’s what’s going on and I’m working on owning it and coming to terms with things the best I can, so this is part of that process.

I don’t really have more to say on everything today in addition to what’s already here. I had to start somewhere. Just going to let this sit for a bit before elaborating.