If you read my post earlier this week about my proposed schedule for blog topics moving forward, you had seen this:
Wednesday – Letters to those who I cannot express things to in person but about whom I need to feel as if I’ve shared my story about how their actions have affected me and other loved ones at least in some way.
Before I actually dive into that one, I want to dedicate a first post on the topic to exactly what that means and why I wish to do it.
You see, there is still a lot of unprocessed and unexpressed hurt that I struggle with. Most of it is due to the events related to my ex-husbands, but it’s not just them, but also other related people. There are also some old things that I’ve been working on processing in therapy and otherwise have on my mind that I’d like to write about.
Why letters?
In the past, I have written letters to people when I am my mind is silently screaming out everything that I need to say. Whether I have actually delivered these message or not, the process of writing down all my thoughts and feelings to that person has always been quite helpful.
My head has a tendency to do this thing where it writes letters in my head…endlessly. Like “Hey, Ryan–this is what you need to say to this person so they understand what they have done and how it has affected you: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.” And these just won’t stop until I take the time to sit and write it. Once I get it down, it finally stops. I might think of another thing or two to include down the road, but as long as I didn’t actually send it, I can just pop it in there.
When I write, I do have to come from the feeling as though I am actually going to send it, although ultimately it doesn’t really matter if I do not. In fact, sometimes it’s better than when I do reach out to someone because if they ignore what I say or respond cruelly it can end up being less productive than if I just save the file on my computer and forget about it.
The hardest ones are those to the people who refuse to listen and seem like they just don’t care. I don’t understand how anyone can be cruel, so when people treat me and/or my child with cruelty it really, really bothers me and it just kills not being able to make them understand or care. As a caring person who possesses empathy, it’s unfathomable to me how some people can be so very cold, heartless, and cruel.
I know that I can’t really do anything to change the way people act, but I can at least feel like I tried. I feel a strong urge to just be heard–whether it changes hearts and minds or not.
So I’m going to be writing some of these and/or publishing some of the ones that I have already written. Maybe someday the people I’m writing to will see them. Maybe not. But I’ll know I expressed what was screaming to get out.
I’ll likely not use real names when I write here on the blog, but I think to the people they are about, they’ll know.